Absolutely Crazy Human Things: Kisses
by Lady Merlin
Summary: First off, it's K/S Slash. It's from Spock's POV. There'll be other chapters unrelated to this one, and posted with the ACHT title. Yeah. As suggested by the title, Spock thinks about kisses. K for one kiss.


Hey there! This is not the first fic I'm writing for Star Trek 2009, but the first one I'm so unsure of. Let it be known that I am a K/S shipper and am unlikely to put anything but K/S into the fics. This fic, or series of fics or drabbles or one shots or whatever one may chose to call them, is about things that are absolutely, completely, insanely, illogically human, that Spock S'chn T'gai cannot understand, try as he might, until, of course, a certain Captain decides to help, and show Spock his way around. :) P.S. You can probably always tell from the title, what is included in the content.

As always, I own nothing. I am but the mouthpiece of inspiration, misguided or not. :)

Don't like slash? Simple solution. Don't read.

**Kisses**

Spock never really got the big deal about Kisses. Not that he'd ever say so of course, but he _really_ didn't. He understood that kisses were standard behaviour displayed by very sexual beings (some gentleman named Freud, or something of the sort, who wrote socio-scientific literature that seemed to be_ slightly_ on the graphic side) and that they worked to bring together two beings in a very casual way, which was useful because Humans mated for life.

He also understood the technical side of kisses. According to many apparently reliable online sources, kisses could be conducted in several different ways, sideways, long-ways and in many other areas apart from the lips, all with their own meanings and designations.

For example, he knew that he could kiss Uhara's hand, and she would take it well, whereas he should refrain from kissing any other woman with whom he was less familiar in a non-casual context, as it would display a sign of flirtatious mating behaviour, which he by no means intended to display.

It became somewhat of an obsession with him, kisses did.

He found himself pondering their meaning, and their feeling and if they were really all that effective, because when he kissed Uhara, he felt nothing much, apart from moist and rather uncomfortable, as she'd intruded into his private space. He understood her reasoning though; it would be hard to kiss someone from a respectable meter away.

What actually got him most was that instant in the transporter room, when Uhara had kissed him without him intentionally giving any indication that he would appreciate her invasion, when Captain Kirk—he meant, Jim was observing them.

It was not common knowledge, but Vulcans (or half-Vulcans, in his case) were fully capable of diverting their attention while otherwise physically occupied. Therefore his Captain had not observed that his own attention was noted. Spock had noted that the Captain did not behave in his normal way either. Most of the time when he was not attempting to get himself a captaincy or acting in a generally ambitious manner, he was quite polite as a matter of fact. He refrained from making comments, even though it was obvious that he was _dying_ to, and he always looked away when there were emotional _private_ moments.

Yet this time he watched, perhaps because he thought Spock was too busy to notice. Spock's inner rather human child, as he himself referred to it, emitted a slightly insane sounding 'aha!' and Spock was glad, for the sixteenth time that day, that he was not human, because humans were so insane, that it was obvious it was either a very dominant genetic trait, or a pandemic. They should even be diagnosed as clinically insane, and should be made to conduct their daily activities with neon post-it notes on their forehead, indicating their various levels of insanity. It was actually a pretty good idea.

It occurred to Spock that his thoughts were slightly insane, so he cleared up. He replaced the 'post-it notes' with very small sensors (reading off their dates of birth, levels of usefulness and levels of insanity when scanned) which could be embedded in their necks. There, he thought. Much better.

Either way, back to the ogling Captain.

The strangest thing was how the Captain licked his lips once, before he turned away, reverting to standard behaviour.

Perhaps he was hungry.

xxx

He remained on track, completing a good amount of research every day. It was really very interesting. Apparently there were antique human websites where readers actually wrote about their preferred fiction. It was all terribly fascinating, and he wished he had time to explore this previously unheard-of facet of human nature, but he didn't, so he continued trawling through websites. Some were really very graphic, and highly crude, but he supposed it was to be expected with such a young species. It actually explained quite a bit about the Captain's unhealthy obsession with sexual intercourse…

Suddenly, he heard footsteps.

Before he got the chance to terminate the website which he was searching, a very familiar voice exclaimed in an emotion most easily described as surprised. There were small percentiles of other emotions which he was unable to classify in the limited time period, but he made do.

"Spock! What are you doing?" It was obviously Jim Kirk, who for some reason was friendly with him. Humans were, as mentioned previously, quite insane, but Jim Kirk's level of insane appeared to be unique. He appeared to have taken a very illogical liking to Spock, and now attempted to human male-bond with him at every opportunity that presented itself. This was another curious behaviour he had read about on a scientific paper written in the early 21st century. Very queer.

However an unforeseen circumstance presented itself. While he had been thinking, the Captain had glanced at his console screen. It was only considered polite to keep your eyes averted from another beings reading matter, but since, _apparently_, the Captain had no manners to speak of, he should have known better.

"_Kissing?_" came a very incredulous inquiry.

"I assure you, Captain, it is for a reasonable scientific experiment I wish to conduct."

Somehow the Captain read between the lines, a nonexistent subtext. "I have no doubt you do, Spock. Carry on," he said, slapping Spock on the back before walking off with a grin on his face. It was almost impossible to restrain from helping the Captain rid himself of any _ideas_ but Spock managed. Anger was an emotion, which would not be tolerated, and Humans were, after all, clinically insane.

xxx

It was late at 'night', and they had just completed a rescue mission on the planet Delta-Omega-MCMIX, and most of the crew had collapsed into their respective beds, exhausted. The Delta Omega MCMIX civilization was picky, to say the least. Spock often wondered how they had survived this long in conditions more varied and averse than any found in the Alpha Quadrant without any adaptations. Especially with their stunningly low mental capacities.

He was, unlike the rest of the crew, making his way to the engineering room. He had spoken to Scotty about some upgrades to their warp-drive, and intended to follow through. The man, like humans in general, was insane and never slept, so he was bound to be there tinkering away at his latest project, whatever it was.

Apparently, Scotty was not there, a statistical anomaly he had not accounted for. He decided to make his way back to his room to meditate for a while, when his thoughts fell to the all-too-familiar topic of kissing. It was a _terribly_ strange ritual. He really didn't get it, and he hated to admit it. Suddenly he bumped, literally, into one Captain Jim Kirk, who seemed as absorbed in his own thoughts as himself.

"Jim," he said, with a polite nod. Jim Kirk was many things, insane being one of them, but brilliant being another. He was apparently very skilled in matter of physics and mechanics and mathematics, and possessed a genius for them far beyond what Spock would have expected. He was also highly compassionate, a trait which he had observed over the past few months in the mans' company. As Captain and First Officer they ended up spending a lot of time together, and in the end neither of them complained. They had grown on each other.

"Spock! Hey. Good to see you. Why aren't you asleep?" Jim asked.

"I could inquire the same of you, Jim, but I am not in need of rest at the moment. I was looking to complete some work with Scotty but he seems to be absent."

"Yeah, he's out in the lounge. It seems he was looking for food then fell asleep. It's really quite funny. He drools," Jim recounted with a smile. Spock felt amused, but decided not to show it, and nodded gravely. Where so many other humans would have been disconcerted, Jim kept grinning, and they walked to their rooms together.

xxx

A year had passed and Jim Kirk and Spock S'chn T'gai were close to the point that Spock didn't mind Jim's multiple, ridiculous attempts to pronounce his full name (which was saying something. The last guy who had tried it—well. Let's just say it's another story in itself) Jim was like the brother he'd never had, and was the only human to whom he had extended feelings to. No one understood this, and Spock was used to it, but Jim kept trying to defend him at every turn. It was endearing.

They were spending their customary evening together playing chess, when Spock sensed that Jim was experiencing discomfort. He immediately piped up, "Are you well, Jim?" to which Jim blushed and nodded, not replying. "Your heart rate seems elevated. Is there anything I can offer you?" Spock asked, still concerned. He now knew Jim had a tendency to downplay any weakness on his part.

"Nah," he said waving a hand. "I just thought of something."

"May I be privy to your thoughts?" Spock asked, curious.

"Er. It's really nothing," Jim continued, blushing more still. "Nothing at all. Just some rubbish question."

"Ask," Spock said, "and I will answer." He knew Jim was curious like a three year old. The question would burn its way into his heart, and stay there until he had asked it. It was better to pre-empt and offer, than to wait for Jim to admit that he was dying to ask the question.

Jim heart rate elevated. "I was just wondering… Oh god, nevermind. It's okay Spock."

"Ask," Spock said ever patient, "Or I shall, how you put it, beat it out of you."

Jim chuckled, his tense shoulders relaxing. "I was just wondering about the experiment of yours."

Spock was confused, to say the least. "I have conducted numerous experiments while on board the Enterprise. You will have to be more specific."

Jim looked slightly _iffy_, not that there was such a word, or that he'd even used it, but that's how he looked. "The... ah… er. The kissing one." Jim said it in a way as though he fully expected Spock to deny his involvement in such an experiment. Spock was, however, tempted. Like previously mentioned, this man was a combination of brilliance and insanity, with the curiousity of a three year old. A Vulcan three year old, mind. They were exponentially more curious than human three year olds. But either way. He could not avoid this, so he decided to face it.

"Yes. What might your inquire involve?" Spock asked, in his award-winning unperturbed voice.

"Well, I was wondering…" Jim was rubbing the back of his neck which had turned a startling shade of red.

"You've already made that clear," Spock said, drily, slightly amused at how awkward Jim was.

"I was wondering, what was it about?" Jim continued as if Spock had not spoken. Truth be told, Spock had been expecting something along these lines and had already begun composing an answer which very nicely framed 'none of your business' but his mouth had other plans.

"I was curious about Human mating behaviour. It struck me as incredibly peculiar, and if you remember, I was romantically involved with Lt. Uhura at that time," and Jim mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, 'don't I know it' and Spock ignored him. He would say this for the last time—Humans were insane. They could not be held completely responsible for their actions. "Why do you inquire?" It was a sign of their new-found friendship that Spock didn't strangle him.

Jim shrugged, probably feeling guilty that Spock had told him a secret and he wasn't telling one in return. In some ways, Spock reflected, Jim was like a thirteen year old girl. But then he was insane. He sighed internally. This was a circular argument; never ending.

"I was just thinking," Jim began suddenly, "if you wanted any advice, I could help you. If you want," he finished, tentatively.

Spock was surprised but did not show it. "I appreciate your offer, but the only further verification my theory needs is experimentation, and I doubt you would be able to help me with this."

Jim was silent.

"Surely you do not mean that you would not be averse to helping me quantify the validity of my hypothesis? This is an experiment which would require an immense amount of testing, due to the socio-scientific nature of the experiment, which dictates that results cannot be quantified and a clear-cut hypothesis cannot be obtained without a twenty-five percent margin-of-error." Spock looked excited now, and Jim was _reasonably_ sure that it was the first time he'd excited someone by agreeing to help out in an experiment, when he had very clearly given sexual undertones (and been _ignored_! Oh! The outrage!)

"Uh, yeah. Sure!" Jim tried his level best to sound excited, though he was, in truth, disheartened.

"It seems to me that you are not very enthusiastic about our deal," Spock stated flatly. "Have I said something to offend you, Captain?"

"It's Jim, Spock. And no, it's just me. Don't worry, I'm fine. Just call me and let me know when your experimentation begins, and I'll come over'n help."

"Oh. I was under the impression that you would be tutoring me personally." Spock sounded… dare he say it? Disappointed.

"Tutoring you? In what sense?" Jim sounded vaguely hopeful, but Spock decided that this was simply too much to handle, and shook his head, and bidding his Captain 'good-night', walked out.

xxx

It was several weeks later, after a Klingon suicide bombing, a Rare-Giant-Tribble invasion and an attack by a giant cloud of electronic dust from the outer reaches of the universe, that they got back to the topic.

"Jim, how does one seduce a woman? It is referred to several times in various popular guidebooks, and is often related to purchasing cacao-bean-and-milk products of absolutely no nutritional value and various species of flora."

Jim translated. "You mean, buying chocolate and flowers?" Spock looked as exasperated as a Vulcan was allowed to look, and Jim grinned. "Well, you romance them. Ya know? Take them out to dinner, take them dancing, so on so forth. Other generally vague bonding activities which they appreciate. Then you seduce them."

Suddenly Jim looked like he was at a loss to explain. Mort probably it had been so natural to him that he had never deigned to quantify and detail his many ventures. Spock couldn't help but sighing. This was too complicated, he needed someone who could speak on his terms.

"Okay, gimme a minute," Jim said, looking as if he was honestly trying to find a way to explain it to Spock.

"Take your time, Captain."

"Jim. It's Jim," he corrected absently, as he stared at a spot. "Okay, it's like this. You probably know that kissing is like, a major emotive act, right?" Spock nodded. "Well, you gotta kiss 'em right. See, you can kiss in different ways. There's sloppy kisses, and warm kisses, and toe-curling kisses, and so many more. You just have to know how fast you want them, and then I can teach you how to kiss them."

Spock was at a loss. He frankly didn't have a clue about what Jim was saying.

"I believe it would be easier if you demonstrated these methods, Jim." Spock had _no_ idea of what his words did to Jim. Jim could barely breathe, and he forced himself to focus, and think about his mom, and Bones' mom, and Klingons, and nasty, maggoty, dying things.

"You don't know what you're asking for, Spock," Jim rasped. It was as collected as his thoughts were going to get.

"I believe I do, Jim." Spock's voice was… deeper? Different. Smoother. Perhaps even… seductive?

Jim couldn't resist it. Damn it all to hell. If he had one kiss before he died, he'd be a happy man. He pushed himself to his feet, eyes still carefully shut to prevent his raging hard-on from getting any harder (as if that was possible)

"Spock, if I'm reading this wrong, I'm sorry." He opened his eyes and saw the Vulcan watching him back, with much more than scientific curiosity in his eyes. Spock was up on his feet before Jim knew it, and it made things a bit weirder, because Spock was a head taller than him. Never let it be said he didn't try new stuff.

"You know what I'm going to do. You can stop me anytime, with a word." Jim tiptoed slightly, one hand on Spock's feline waist and one on his hotter-than-human-chest, and touched his lips to Spock's. That's all it was, a touch of the lips; soft, undemanding, questioning and gentle. But it was more electric than any kiss Jim had ever hand in his entire life. He felt like he was free falling, and the only thing that was slowing him down was his arms around Spock's waist, and the delicate touch of his lips.

To Spock this was a completely new experience. He had never kissed anyone before. Yeah, Nyota had kissed him. He never really kissed back, but that wasn't for lack of appreciation of her slightly obvious affection, but he didn't know how to respond. Kissing the Captain, kissing this _man_ made some primal instinct come out, something that was inherent from his mothers' blood, and something that lay dormant in his fiery Vulcan blood, something that never came out, unless called upon by The _Plak Tow, _or Ponn Farr.

It set his blood singing in his veins, his heart pounding furiously and fireworks behind his closed eyes. He knew the Capt--Jim was experincing the same thing, or a similar physical reaction, at least. He led Spock, never breaking the kiss, to a wall, and held him tightly. Of course, Spock could have broken Jim's bones without a second thought, but he didn't. He let Jim hold him, and press him against the wall, which oddly enough gave him a strange rush, sensual pleasure of a new kind.

Jim's teeth grazed Spock's suddenly sensitive lips and Spock felt a warm stirring in his hips, blood rushing from his brain. Jim nibbled and Spock couldn't hold in a gasp, and Jim seemed to relent and lick his lips through the kiss. Not that this was in any way, an improvement on Spock's uncomfortable condition. The sensation was just as fantastic. Jim smiled into the kiss, and this too was incredibly pleasing.

Jim's face was, he was not ashamed to admit, beautiful, and even more so in happiness.

He watched, content, as Jim rested his forehead upon his own shoulder, feeling fire where Jim's hands lay.

They stayed that way a solid fifteen minutes, Spock honestly not able to find his own voice. When he spoke, he clarified; "Which classification of a kiss was that, Jim?" He pinned on Jim's name just to show he was joking. And in a way it was an escape route, should Jim decide that it was too much to handle. But thankfully he didn't. Spock didn't know what he would have done if Jim had walked away.

"That was a basic kiss. There's a million more things I have to teach you, Spock." His tone was yet jesting, but his eyes were sincere. And stunning. And he would stop looking at those melting pools of cacao so he could think, right...now. He meant...Now! But it obviously didn't work. Not that he minded.

"And what would the next lesson be, O great master?" Spock kept his voice light and teasing, and Jim bestowed him with a smile.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He asked, and Spock realised that he might had just lost his mind to the same pit of insanity that all Humans lost their to. He found that, surprisingly, he didn't mind.

Of all the Absolutely Crazy Human Things, Kisses were one of the best.

Well? Whaddya think? Admittedly I went off topic, and by the time I finished the kiss I couldn't bloody remember my initial plans for this. So suffice to say this will be left plotless, like many of my fics. Sigh. Don't mind, I think the kiss was rather good, right? I haven't written too many, so I ain't sure. Lemme know?

Love,

Lady Merlin

P.S. Yeah, there should be more chapters but not related to this one, each ending in a kiss. Woo!


End file.
